People go to Italy to eat and I’m recovering from anorexia.
I just spent two weeks in Italy. The trip marks a milestone in my recovery. It highlights how through exposure-constant, excruciating and painful exposure- my relationship with food has changed.
While I was there I took a cooking class with a local Italian Chef. I rolled fresh pasta, chopped the zucchini and kneaded the biscotti dough (or at least I tried to!). I smelled the fresh herbs and aroma of garlic. I mindfully tasted the warm, soft focaccia bread in my mouth.
Repeated exposure has changed my relationship with food and my body. Initially my recovery was filled with fear. My anorexia programmed me to run away, avoid, ignore, fight against or completely shut down in situations that I felt vulnerable or uncomfortable in.
Recovery is uncomfortable- brutally uncomfortable. Moving slowly towards situations that you fear in your eating disorder makes recovery possible.
Here are some examples of how I use fear exposure in recovery:
- Finish my workout two minutes earlier than the obsessive time in my head and sit with the discomfort.
- Go to a bagel store for breakfast and order a bagel! I never thought this was possible, but after doing it over and over again I actually look forward to it.
- When something clicks in my head that I need to purge; that I cannot stand the sense of fullness in my body, I get out of the house and distract myself.
- Meet my friend for coffee even when the fear is palatable in my body-when I feel my clothes on my skin and want to run into my bedroom to scream and hide.
Exposure leads to growth. Standing still is dangerous territory for me because the pull of anorexia just gets stronger. Moving forward, challenging myself and making small steps increases the healthy part of me. It severs the invisible, but forceful tug from my eating disorder.
Expose yourself. Be vulnerable. Feel the discomfort- it will eventually fade and you will move one step closer to freedom. What will you expose yourself to today?
Serenity Always,
Meredith
