Making decisions used to literally paralyze me. What if I made the wrong decision? What if my decision disappointed someone? What if someone did not agree with my decision? That one was always the worst.
My eating disorder started when I was 10. At that time I made a chart in a hot pink notebook. Each day I would rate myself as “good” or “bad” based on what I ate and how much I exercised. At that very young age my eating disorder voice was gaining momentum and eventually became loud and powerful.
My eating disorder began to invalidate my actual needs and desires. The real me was pushed aside. My anorexia would make me get up at 5am to work out for 3 hours before work; my anorexia would tell me to stay home alone because I was too fat to leave the house; my anorexia would tell me to purge everything I just ate. I made no decisions-my anorexia did.
As recovery began, I did not trust myself. How could I if I never had a stable foundation? My “self” voice and “eating disorder” voice were in constant battle and ultimately my eating disorder would win. It won so many times that I had absolutely no idea of what I truly wanted or needed. I had no real sense of who I was.
Starting to listen…
At first I would flip a coin to make decisions. I started to trust a coin before I could trust myself. I needed to learn that I could get any through any decision and the world would not end. I clearly remember using this skill after a therapy session one day. I was in Starbucks and I saw a CD at the checkout counter. Should I buy the CD? Or not? I flipped the coin-heads-I did not buy it. This skill helped me to make a decision, live with it and move forward.
Then I started to ask myself some basic questions:
- Do I want to sleep in or get up early?
- Do I want to practice yoga or do a cardio video?
- Do I want a salad or sandwich?
- Do I want to stay in and have a quiet night or go out and socialize?
THIS WAS NOT EASY. At first I truly did not know what I wanted. My eating disorder made most of my decisions for over 25 years. I needed to truly check in with myself and start making decisions separate from my eating disorder. I slowly started to create an identity. With consistent practice the trust within me grew.
In recovery, listening to you-the real you- is a vital skill. Each day I truly listen to what I need and to what I want. Listening to my body has helped to create my real identity. Start to separate your “eating disorder” voices from the “real you” voices. Challenge yourself by talking back and letting the real you shine through.
This practice will lead you to such freedom. Begin to trust yourself. Begin to make your own decisions. Begin to truly listen.
Serenity Always,
Meredith
