A place of complete darkness…
When I was at my lowest point-when my anorexia brought me to a place of complete darkness and hopelessness- I often thought of ending my life. I would stand by the subway tracks thinking of jumping when I saw the lights of a train coming. It was a miserable existence. Anorexia robbed me of my soul and spirit. I wanted to be anywhere besides in my body and in my mind. I often say that having an eating disorder is like living in a nightmare that you cannot wake up from. I tried to wake up, but kept on relapsing and falling down over and over again.
If someone came up to me during my eating disorder and said “It is awful now, but hold on the pain ends,” I would probably laugh at them and tell them that they have no idea what they are talking about. I was hopeless and in no way believed that my life would get better. This was my life. I was stuck.
I would feel a flicker of hope…
So what kept me going? Firstly, my nephews. They were my motivators (to be discussed in a future blog) when I was enveloped in bleakness. Secondly, at times, I could sense a small seed deep within me that wanted to get better. A small seed would whisper “You deserve better,” and when the anorexic thoughts took hold of my mind the seed would disappear. “There is more to life,” and I would feel a flicker of hope. What is the seed for you? A loved one, a sandy beach, a child’s smile. Whatever it is—grab it tight. Do not let go.
So here I am telling you “Hold on pain ends.” You can recover from anorexia and other eating disorders. I hope instead of laughing or shutting me out you will check back to my blog weekly and grab onto any nuggets of information that will start you, guide you and encourage you on your road to recovery.
Serenity Always,
Meredith
