No sugar. No fat. No carbs. No dressing. No sleep. No rest. No love. No dessert. No pizza. No sandwiches. No socialization. No happiness. No support. No compliments. No energy. No dairy. No gluten. No breakfast. No food. No fullness. No hope. No feelings. No friends. No work. No laughter.
As I was struggling with anorexia and bulimia my mind was focused on all of the ways I could take away from my body. I was constantly figuring out another way to deprive myself. I hated myself anyway and I truly believed that I deserved nothing. My world became smaller and smaller and I became weaker and weaker.
In recovery it was suggested to nurture my body, instead of hurting it; to love my body instead of shaming it and to feed my body instead of robbing it from what it needed to survive. Love my body? What? My body repulsed me. I was obsessed in making it smaller and smaller in order to escape from the scary, ugly world. I feared that no one would accept the “real” me so I detached from people in my life one by one.
In recovery I needed to change my whole view on me and the world. I needed to take baby steps and shift my perspective from what can I take away from my body to what can I give to it. Giving was so foreign. It was a different language.
In my IOP I started to feed my body. I felt my feelings. I connected with others in groups. I practiced resting. I challenged my self-hate. Recovery takes a life transition-shifting to how I can fill me up, instead of breaking it down. The transition took years of practice. I had my ups and downs. I never stopped fighting.
I had hope that there was something better out there. I was a prisoner and wanted to break free. And I realized that the power was within me. That I could be a friend to myself instead of an enemy.
Today thus far I have filled myself with rest, spirituality, relationships, food and body-love. Please let me know one way that you filled yourself today. Let’s focus on building each other up.
We can recover one day at a time.
Serenity Always,
Meredith
